Holding Space For Yourself – What It Is and How To Do It
Holding Space For Yourself – Blog Post
There is a lot of talk in the coaching and self-improvement world about holding space. It always sounds like a lovely and peaceful thing to do… and it is. But I think it can also be confusing to understand what “holding space” really is and how to do it.
I’ve been working on holding space for myself and my clients for a few years now. This past August, I decided to embark on a “Year of Living Uncomfortably.” I wanted to challenge myself to stay with discomfort as it arose in my life without buffering against it with food and eating, without daydreaming, checking out, and so on. I wanted to be present for the discomfort. I wanted to know who I am when I don’t use the negative and self-harming habits that I’ve used to cope with for decades. Who am I when I am here for it all, the awkward, the painful, the challenging, and the uncomfortable
I wanted to document this year on a daily basis. A few days into my YOLU, I realized that what I was really doing was setting out on a life journey that would always include moments of discomfort (pain, frustration, anger, sadness, remorse, grief, and so on). A year of it would lead to another and another.
About three weeks in, I realized something else: My year of living uncomfortably was really about my year of learning to hold infinite compassionate space for myself. Without compassion, intentionally living with discomfort would dissolve pretty quickly into daily opportunities to beat the shit out of myself. Queue the shame, the self-flagellation, the regret, the guilt, and the remorse.
Really, if I wanted to be present for the discomfort, I needed to cultivate an infinite capacity to hold myself with compassion, empathy, love, gentleness, and kindness. I would need to tap into this vast space on a regular basis – hourly, in the moment, daily, over and over again. I know now that this is the only way for me to grow. The ultimate lesson for me has been to learn how to show up for myself over and over, especially when I don’t want to – those times when it is easier to fall into despair that things can never be different, those times when I see myself as weak and at fault, those times when all seems to be lost.
It is comparatively easy to hold a compassionate, loving, nonjudgmental space when everything flows as I think it should. It is quite another thing, indeed, to extend that same love and understanding when I feel sad or angry, harbor resentment, sink into victimhood and scarcity, and then find myself overeating or bingeing and/or eating in private. But those are the very times when I most need to show up for myself with open arms and an open heart, ready to embrace myself and my imperfections – ready to embrace my humanity. Those times are the opportunities to be fully present with myself and see clearly all aspects of myself without judgment, and accept myself completely as is. For it is only by embracing myself and meeting myself where I am, rather than where I think I should be, accepting the sticky bits, that I can then move forward, change things without attachment to the outcome, and grow as a person. I honor myself where I am in any given moment.
How then, can I or anyone else hold infinite compassionate space for ourselves?
Holding space is the active practice of being present for myself, however I might show up, with calm, compassion, and acceptance without judgment. It is my ability to build awareness of and see what is rather than what I think should be. Holding space is my ability to listen to myself with an open mind and an open heart. It is being the witness to my feelings and thoughts and gently acknowledging them without attaching meaning, knowing that I am not them. Holding space is my gift of kindness, calm, and safety to whatever arises. It is my ability to stay with myself without an agenda or need to hurry to fix or change anything. Ultimately, then, holding compassionate space is always an opportunity to accept what is, accept myself as is, to love myself fully.
In practice, here is what works for me:
First, I pause or stop.
Even if I’m in the middle of something – work, with people – I find a moment to pause. If possible, I remove myself from the immediate environment. If not, I stay where I am, but I am still.
I breathe intentionally and consciously. I often say to myself, “I know I am breathing in. I know I am breathing out.” This is a simple yet remarkably effective way to calm and be present with myself.
Second, I am present with whatever arises.
I note body sensation – the buzz of anxiety, the flair of anger, the flutter of sadness. It could be a flurry of unexpected thoughts.
I don’t judge it. I simply acknowledge it.
I keep breathing.
Where in my body do I feel the sensation?
I direct my breath to that place.
Third, I listen with an open heart.
I say to myself, “Tell me what’s going on. How can I help you?”
I also say, “You can trust me. I am here for you.”
Then I give myself time to respond.
And I keep breathing. I always come back to the breath.
Fourth, I release judgment.
I remind myself that nothing has gone wrong.
There’s nothing to fear.
I am having a very human experience. Neither good nor bad. Simply human.
Thoughts are fleeting and feelings are transitory. They rise and fall. That is their nature.
I witness them and accept them as is.
None of this is an indictment of my character.
None of it means anything about me as a person.
Fifth, I’m active.
I decide what I want to do next.
I might do the habitual thing – eat the cookies, pick up the drink, scroll through social media, and so on. But I do so, fully aware that I am choosing to do it.
Or I decide to do nothing. I let myself be, simply be – with what is present.
Or I choose a different response – walking away, reaching out, standing up for myself, taking a break, or continuing to breathe.
Each of those choices is fine. NO choice is inherently better than the others.
The key here is that I am choosing with full awareness.
Holding space for myself is an ongoing practice.
It is an integral part of my life, a necessary and wanted component of my self-care practice.
It is not a perfect process.
Sometimes, I don’t want to be present. I just want to do the habitual thing, the thing that will give me temporary relief from my emotions.
But when I am willing to show up for myself imperfectly, I often find the peace I’m seeking.
Over time, my being becomes calmer and more centered.
This practice is life-changing.
If you struggle with overeating, emotional eating, binge eating, bingeing and purging, or any other compulsive behavior, please learn to hold space for yourself. You don’t have to do it perfectly. That’s not even possible.
Simply keep showing up for yourself, with love, compassion, and kindness.
I want to wrap up by mentioning that it can be extremely helpful to have a physical space for yourself. It could be an area of your bedroom where you keep a bolster and a shelf with candles. You might include a diffuser, a salt lamp, a Buddha board, chimes, a special blanket, crystals…really whatever you like. You could play special music. Maybe you play an instrument and can include it in the space. The space doesn’t have to be much in size. The important thing is that is a designated space for you.
Remember… holding space works… and you’re worth the effort.
Much love,
~Jenny