Our beliefs show up in our results. Whether we think we can do something or not, whether we are deserving of something or not, we’re right. We prove our beliefs to ourselves over and over again. Our beliefs are reflected in our thoughts, feelings, and actions.
Case in point: Ten years ago, I lost a lot of weight and got into the best shape of my adult life. I thought I had it all figured out. But I didn’t. I regained all of the weight and then some over a fairly short period of time.
For several years, I thought, “I just cannot forgive myself for regaining the weight… I don’t deserve to be thin, fit, healthy, and at an ideal, natural weight.” These thoughts were reflective of an underlying belief that I didn’t deserve the life and way of being that I truly wanted. I didn’t deserve what I saw as available to others, but not to me.
Subsequently, for years, I felt out of control, I thought I couldn’t guide myself, couldn’t give myself the direction I needed. I couldn’t set a goal and attain it. The underlying belief was that I could not have what I really wanted.
Over time, this pervasive, deeply rooted belief was compounded by thoughts like:
I cannot lose weight.
There’s something wrong with me.
I cannot figure this out.
I cannot sustain weight loss.
These thoughts led to feelings of shame, despair, and self-loathing.
Feeling these emotions lead me to eat to numb out. I overate and binged out of frustration that I would never be able to change. The more I did these things, the more evidence I gathered that I couldn’t change the trajectory of my life. Because all of this left me depressed and overwhelmed, I ate, overate, and binged all the more. I built evidence that change wasn’t possible. I just couldn’t do it. I was stuck.
This negative cycle – my brain depended upon it. My brain liked it. That cycle has gotten me this far, after all… so let’s keep doing it.
But some small, buried part of me also thought, “Hold up. Wait a minute. I deserve to be healthy in all ways, happy, and loved as is, just because I am a human being.”
So while I continued to struggle, I began to develop new fundamental beliefs:
I deserve emotional, mental, and physical health.
I deserve to take care of myself.
These beliefs signaled an identity shift for me: Seeing myself in a new, loving, and compassionate way.
On this set of foundational beliefs, I began to build new, affirming thoughts:
I can.
I can try something new.
I can figure it out.
I deserve better health.
I deserve attention.
I deserve love.
Little by little, things began to change for me.
To be clear, it felt uncomfortable to think differently. After all, the brain doesn’t like change. But I was willing to be uncomfortable with a new way of thinking. The alternative was worse.
As my ability to exist with discomfort grew, I was able to change my habits. And the new habits stuck because my beliefs – my identity – were changing, too. Because I worked on my mind first, my actions aligned with the new ways in which I saw myself.
It’s impossible to affect change when the underlying beliefs remain the same. Change in actions isn’t sustainable unless there isn’t first a change in beliefs and thoughts.
My new question: Who do I need and want to be in order to affect change in my life?
I want to be someone who is worthy and capable.
I want to be a healthy person.
So, those thoughts became: I am worthy, capable, and healthy in all ways.
This was the identity shift I needed and wanted.
It was impossible for me to change for the person I didn’t honor. There was no alignment.
With the identity, “I am worthy, capable, and healthy in all ways,” I was able to cultivate thoughts that serve me.
I am someone who takes care of herself, emotionally, mentally, and physically.
I offer myself compassion, support, and curiosity.
These thoughts generated feelings that serve me well:
powerful, confident, determined, patient, focused, energized, inspired, loving kindness.
I can call on these feelings whenever I want in order to accomplish what I want.
From a place of compassion and power and loving kindness, I can make decisions that serve me.
What foods do I want to eat? What will nourish my body?
What eating habits do I want to create?
What can I do for my emotional wellbeing today?
What can I do for my physical wellbeing today?
This is work for me. I intentionally think about myself in these ways. It doesn’t come naturally to me. It feels awkward. I often am self-conscious, as though someone else can see my thinking. Sometimes it’s exhausting.
There is a lot of discomfort. Often there is resistance. I don’t want to put the effort and energy into creating a new way of being, a new identity.
I want to curl up and take a nap.
But the alternative is unacceptable. The alternative is worse than the discomfort of change. The alternative is to not grow and change.
I want to grow and change and become someone who can accomplish things.
I choose growth.
I choose discomfort.
I choose all of the “failures” along the way.
I choose to allow the resistance I feel.
I choose to be present with feelings that I don’t like.
I choose me. The best version of me that I can be.